Time is such an abstract idea and yet, it has such a strong presence in our society. I have often wrestled with time. I spent years of my life where time seemed endless and everything dark and broken. I kept on thinking would it ever end? People would always say things like it will get better just hold on for a little longer and I would always answer but when?
I am now halfway into my thirtieth year on this earth, and I can confirm that things have definitely improved. My life now is so different from anything I have known in the past. There is joy, peace, and harmony. Even in moments where I am overwhelmed with tasks and lifey stuff, I find myself coming back to a healthier place- that this moment is not forever.
The truth of the matter is time never really defined my life before. It was more the intensity of my emotions that directed my life. I think as I grow and mature, I find myself moving more toward a place of stability in mindset and resound resilience within the midst of things. But a good majority of life was spent upon a boat in the middle of sea either worshipping the waves of joy or cursing the storms of sadness that plagued the sea. On this boat, I felt my life was immensely different from everyone back on land. They had no experience with intensity that was born into each droplet of water in my ocean. They did not know how the hard the ocean crashed upon me drowning me in sadness or how it roared against my boat casting its waves of anger onto me. They also had not experienced the sunsets at sea or how the blues blended together to create this perfect painting of serenity.
I spent that majority of my life in the throes of intensity of my emotions. I thought maybe it was something that had cursed me but also made me very unique. I have swayed from hating myself in how I feel to appreciating the gift. Right now, I have come to this beautiful cliff overlooking the sea and I can view it from an objective lens. I find beauty in how the sea ebbs and flows; I also find despair in the way it can feel lonely and isolating. The sea always calls back to me though. In the most recent years, it’s called me to dive deeper into the waves and face them head on. It is a beautiful thing to look at something that once plagued you and now see it for what it truly is. Holding my capacity to feel deeply in both hands, I see now that it is both a blessing and a curse. I will understand people and stories that many can’t. I will navigate waters of deep brokenness within the world because I can sit alongside those weary travelers and see them completely. To feel deeply also means to see deeply.
There is a space I operate in almost daily where I allow people to feel seen even if it’s exhausting or time consuming or heavy because it’s my calling and because that person is worth it. Hearing stories and saving a place for them allows for deep healing to come about. Sometimes the healing moves in droplets of water and other times it crashes over us like a wild wave at sea.
It took so much time to be able to see the gift of empathy for what it truly is- a calling, a blessing and a curse. I won’t be able to walk through life proclaiming not my problem. I will never believe in that mentality no matter how much easier of a path it may be. Empathy at its core is time redefined in the essence of love. Is our time really ours to navigate or is it part of a bigger story? That’s a question that has been ponder for ages, but what if we have been focusing on the wrong question. What if the question is- how does love navigate time? If we want to be a people of love, then we must ask ourselves what it takes to get there. I think if love were to give us an answer it would be both simple and complex. I think love would reply, “Time is calculated easily, but when love enters the picture there is not an easy way to define time. Love does not seek to set borders to the constraints of time rather it pushes against them in order to let the beautiful garden grow wildly rather than be fenced in. Love is wild, reckless, and sacrificial. It has no concept of time. Love only knows the deep intensity of its core.”
Reflecting on my own story, I now believe that time felt so painful in the past because love was growing a garden without fences. Love was transforming me into a park, a deep well, and a lighthouse. A place for me to hold space, and love for others while also being a strong foundation of light. Building things that are strong enough to weather grand storms takes time and sacrifice. If I have come to any conclusions on the topics of time, love, and empathy it’s that there needs to be an abundance of all of them when seeing someone completely.
All this time at sea with my own intense emotions, God was building me into a lighthouse. He wanted me to have years of knowledge on the ebbs and flows of the ocean and firsthand experience. The way He has loved me while growing me has been like the ocean- consistent, strong, and steadfast. Now, I find that it is my turn to utilize this lighthouse of empathy for others to navigate their own boats within this chaotic sea we call life.
