I have struggled with mental illness for many years now and sometimes it is really difficult to share and open up about. But at the same time there is so much hope and light to be acknowledged into my journey of healing and learning how to live with the different illnesses I have. I have difficultly with my moods- going up and down rapidly. I use to think very black and white about many different things. Life is worthless. I have no meaning or purpose. The whole world is full of evil. I will never get better.
I had gotten really good at hiding it though. I am extremely high functioning despite having a couple different diagnosis some including mood disorder, ADD, and anxiety. I have a loving father, wonderful friends, a strong faith, hobbies, a job, and two bachelors’ degrees and one master’s degree. I graduated top of my class at ASU.
When I started the mastery program at Milan Art Institute, I felt like all my dirt and baggage was being dug up and thrown out for the world to see. I was extremely emotionally because I was facing all of these insecurities, all of these black and white thoughts, and all of the lies in my head. I had two choices either run the other way and drop out of school, or face them head on and challenge myself in a way that I had never done quite before.
Art began to heal me. It was painful oh so painful. But it gave me a new perspective on the world. I began to see life in color. If you have viewed my art, you know that one of the main elements that make my work so special is how bold, vibrant, and juicy the colors are. The more I learned how much I love working with color the more I began to see the significance of just how important color is in my life. I broke down so many lies in my head and so many insecurities this past year.
I have become who I truly am. At my very core, I am a loving, passionate, energetic, fighting woman who declares the message of you are loved, you belong, and you are worthy. I shout out to the mountains that relationships heal us and connection promotes growth and joy in our lives. Creating art is not my purpose, it is my vehicle in which I spread the message of hope and life and truth. My true purpose lies within what use to be my brokenness, my baggage, my dirt. It lies within the weaknesses that I feel too much, that I am too loud, and that I talk too much. That is where my purpose is because yes I do feel deeply, but it allows me to care for the world. Yes, I have mental illness but it allows me to connect with people who maybe feel worthless or hopeless. Yes, I am loud but it provides me the ability to declare my message of life to the world. Yes, I talk too much but that’s only because I want you to know how passionate I am about loving the world, loving myself, and loving my creator. I see strengths within my weaknesses. I see life in color.
Do I still struggle? The answer is simple. Yes. I am not perfect and never will I claim to be. I still have days where I feel horrible and it’s hard to function. But now I have so many more days that are wonderful and full of joy. I hope when you read this that you connect on some level and that maybe you will be able to relate. Or maybe you needed to hear this today-- you are where you are and that’s okay. It is okay to struggle. It is okay to hurt. But please know there is so much out there, life is full of chromatic experiences and they are waiting for you. Life is full of color.