My word of intention for 2023 was -Renewal. I desired to renew my mind, body and spirit through God’s transformative work. There were so many things that made 2023 an amazing year for me. At first though as I was reflecting, I felt that my growth and accomplishments were insignificant. I didn’t think that my growth counted because it still isn’t where I would like to be long term. The Lord really impressed on my heart that nothing He does in my life is insignificant. That each step in the right direction matters greatly to Him and His heart.
I started writing down how God renewed me in 2023. I would love to share with you and as I do I ask that you read from a lens of a compassionate heart. For many years, I have struggled with trying to escape difficult situations or emotions through addictive like tendencies. The list of how I escape use to be longer and I have done a lot of work to abandon certain unhealthy coping skills, but there was more work to be done in 2023.
At the start of 2023, I was at my breaking point with several of these unhealthy coping skills. I was drowning in shame, depression, and grief. I was slowly decaying and my life was unmanageable. I started the year on my knees begging, pleading, and praying to the God of the universe to renew me. I started looking for ways that I could begin to seek help and I found them. This year I spent time in an intensive outpatient diving deeper into my childhood hurts, trauma, and insecurities. I also joined a program for women who were seeking ways of connecting to others in a healthy manner. I stepped inside the gym again for the first time in 3 years. I reached out to my community for prayer, and wisdom. I sought discernment from wise spiritual leaders and let them mentor me. I read many self-help, poetry, and inspirational books to strengthen my mind. I spent time with God on walks, in my car, with the children I nanny, in church, in coffee shops, in random buildings, in therapy, in relationships, in my home, and in nature. I started hiking and going on walks again. I began school for nursing. I reached out to loved ones when I was severely depressed. There were so many things I did this year to renew my mind, body, and spirit.
As I truly thought about it, these were huge improvements to the way I was living life. I showed up in all the rooms I entered authentically. I was incredibly vulnerable most of the year because I knew that’s what needed to happen. I laid out my deepest regrets, my biggest lies, and my greatest shame. I confessed the sin that had plagued my life and vowed to live in the light no matter how hard it was.
The most beautiful thing happened as I showed up into all the rooms I entered with light in my mind, body, and spirit. I found that the Lord was utilizing me in ways I couldn’t even see in the moment. He was guiding me through being a vessel of His love. In my most raw moments, the Lord employed me to reach others’ hearts. It was the most humbling experience to know the Creator sees me in my most raw form and says, “You, yes you! I love you dearly. You are deeply flawed and you are also chosen. You sin and yet you are holy. You are rash, impulsive, and emotional and also passionate, driven, and empathetic. I see your beauty. I see your shortcomings. I see it all and I love you still.” The Creator chose me for this path. He knew I would struggle in the ways that I do. He knew my deepest shame and my greatest strengths. He still chose me, and He chooses me daily.
Now, looking back with a clearer perspective. I see how God shaped me. My eyes have been opened to how deeply He loves me and how deeply I am loved by others. I still have many flaws and much work to do. Yet, there is hope. There is victory. There is freedom in Christ. The steps I have taken this year are the foundation for where I am going or more accurately where God is leading me.
This year many things were put on hold while I sought out this renewal of mind, body, spirit. I didn’t create as much or as often as I would have liked. I didn’t meet my financial goals. There was a lot of pain, and tears shed this year. I experienced seasons of deep darkness with my depression.
There was also a lot I accomplished such as live paintings at two conferences with more than 300 people. I displayed my art all over Europe and South America in galleries. I had local exhibits in Downtown Phoenix as well as at the Phoenix Zoo. I created a new series of abstracts that I am very proud of. I stepped into the gym and prioritized moving my body. I dived deeper into my relationship with God through community, the Word, and church. I became a member at Redemption Tempe. I was discipled and led well by many people. I sought help for addictive tendencies. I formed a relationship with my brother and sister in law, which is not only creating new life, but also healing past hurts. I made new memories around the holidays without drowning in despair. I made new friendships with women that are life giving. I have continued old friendships and watched them grow and flourish. I finally went back to Mexico and faced fear of the grief with my cousin. I healed lies of being a burden and unworthy through letting people show up for me. I read 26 books this year and started an accelerated nursing program. I showed up for myself and others authentically, loved deeply and shared vulnerably. There is so much to celebrate.
Renewal I have found doesn’t come in great big rash moments. It comes in the daily mundane. It shows up as we come authentically with all of who we are. It is in the smallest moments that seem to build traction as we move along. Renewal is something to be sought after, to be cherished, and to be greatly admired.
Thank you for being a part of my journey this year for watching me fall and scrape my knees, for helping me get back up and praying for me as I move forward into the unknown. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for praying for me, talking with me, sitting with me, cheering me on, guiding me, and loving me well. So many of you showed up in deep ways and for that I am forever grateful.
To my Creator, I owe you everything and then more. I hope to share your goodness with the world and with my community. I desire for everyone to know your love through my words, actions, and story.
May we continue this wild ride knowing how deeply loved we are. Cheers to 2024.
